THIS WEEK, I'm handing the column over to the readers.Some of you - birth mothers who were happy with their decision and adoptive parents grateful for the gift of an adopted family - want me to point out that there were a few words left out of my column about adoption last week, such as relief, forgiveness, reunion and joy.
Others have e-mailed me with stories that make last week's harrowing column seem pale.
I wrote about my friend, who gave up a baby for adoption 30 years ago. She subsequently married, having told her husband about her first child, and gave birth to several more children. To this day, none of the children know their mother's secret. She's afraid to tell them.
My friend feels betrayed by a Church and a society that told her to forget her firstborn and begin her life anew. She went on to have a relatively privileged married and family life. But recently - as her socially recognised children have left the nest - she has been thinking more about the child she had to give away. The wound of adoption has reopened for her.
She is angry that the Catholic Church shamed her and that society and her own parents turned a blind eye to her going on a boat alone to England to give birth and surrender the baby. This secrecy still affects her because she is afraid to talk about adoption, even with her husband. And yet today's "liberal" society tells her that candour and openness are good things and that having a baby outside marriage isn't sinful. She wishes she could benefit from this openness, but in her heart she remains trapped in the repression of old Ireland.
Her aim in speaking to me was to highlight that fact that there are adult adoptees and ageing birth mothers all around us, coping with the consequences of a time when adoption or abortion were the only choices.
Readers responded immediately to my friend's story, some saying that her story is their story. Their willingness to share their pain is a sign of progress, because 15 years ago, when I last visited this issue as a journalist, it was extremely difficult to get even one or two people affected by adoption to speak, even anonymously, such was the shame and guilt.
This time around I heard from birth mothers who had been reunited with their children and had found happy endings. I also heard from adoptive parents who wished that my friend and I had left well enough alone and not raised the issue at all.
That's understandable, but there remain family members of all ages and social groups who are still being affected by the legacy of adoption. What must it be like, as one reader confided, to discover by accident that your mother gave away a child before she married and had you, your brothers and sisters? What do you do when you are in the extraordinary situation of knowing your mother's secret, yet your mother doesn't know that you know?
There are so many secrets in families today as a consequence of adoption. The 42,000 women who had their babies adopted in the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s are living with the consequences, and so are their families.
On this page today, we're publishing just a few of those stories. The writers believe that sharing their experiences may help others going through the journey of coming to terms with adoption - a journey that can take a lifetime.
Meanwhile, my friend says dealing with the issue has made her a stronger person. "I'd urge those in my situation to seek support. You can't do it on your own."
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Sotto Voce
(Source: IT)