Catholics seeking to build up a strong culture of marriage must focus
on promoting a healthy understanding of it rather than simply fighting
against attacks, according to the author of a new book on discussing
marriage.
"Our goal isn't to prevent same-sex couples from marrying," said
William B. May, president of Catholics for the Common Good, a San
Francisco-based lay apostolate that seeks to evangelize the culture.
Rather, he explained, the goal is to promote marriage, the fundamental
social institution that unites the parents of children who come into the
world from their union.
May told CNA in an early November interview that one of the biggest
problems in promoting a healthy culture of marriage is that the meaning
of marriage has been obscured.
Many people think that marriage is simply "the public recognition of a
committed relationship,” an adult-centered union that is about happiness
and personal fulfillment "rather than the foundation of the family," he
explained.
But in reality, marriage unites a man, a woman and any children born
from their union, he said, noting that this fundamental relationship has
been recognized by every culture, society and religion throughout
history, each in their own way.
In his new book, “Getting the Marriage Conversation Right: A Guide for
Effective Dialogue” (Emmaus Road, $5.95), May explains how to
successfully discuss marriage and presents the results of research
conducted on marriage and family life.
"There are a lot of things that are contributing to the crisis of
marriage," he acknowledged, pointing to no-fault divorce, contraception
and the sexual revolution as examples. As a result, Catholics
problematically find themselves working to defend marriage "rather than
promote the reality of what marriage is."
The fundamental question is, "Do we need an institution that unites
kids with their moms and dads?" he said, underscoring that marriage is
the only institution that does this. The nature of marriage is "a fact that can only be recognized and not
changed," he said. It has nothing to do with homosexuality, but is
“stamped in our very nature.”
When understood in this way, May argued that it becomes clear marriage
cannot simply be expanded to include same-sex couples, because doing so
would actually redefine its essence.
May pointed to recent ballot measures in Maine, Maryland and Washington
state, where voters recently approved efforts to redefine marriage.
The ballot language in these states dealt largely with marriage
licenses, May said, and it was not apparent to many voters that the
initiatives would actually be eliminating the only civil recognition of a
union joining mothers and fathers.
“Getting the Marriage Conversation Right” discusses the breakdown in
the culture of marriage and the importance of building it back up. It
also covers frequently asked questions about marriage, commenting on
topics such as homosexual adoption, claims of discrimination, effects of
freedom of consciences and the relationship between civil and religious
marriage.
In addition, the book delves into the fundamental right of children to
know and be cared for by their fathers and mothers, as much as possible.
May pointed to the natural human interest in one’s ancestors, as well
as the way that adopted individuals often feel a desire to search for
their biological parents.
"We have a desire for connection," he explained. "It's part of our identity. It's part of who we are."
He also noted that redefining marriage comes with dire consequences
because it removes the most basic institution that safeguards children.
Promoting marriage for the sake of children is important, he explained,
observing that both liberal and conservative think tanks recognize
marriage as a key way of “dealing with the root causes of poverty and
fatherless homes."
However, this becomes impossible once marriage is redefined, he said,
because the institution loses its connection to children, and
initiatives to promote fathers as being important and necessary become
viewed as discrimination under the law.
In Massachusetts, kindergarten students now read books telling them that marriage is not about the family, he noted.
May suggested that his new book can be used as a practical guide to
dialogue about marriage and can be helpful for parents, priests and
Catholic school teachers to explain marriage to children.
It fosters "reality-based thinking" and helps marriage advocates act on
the offensive, rather than being constantly on the defensive, he said.
Ultimately, there is a need to develop programs and curricula
encouraging young people to get married before having children, he
said.
No one wants their children to grow up to be single parents, but
society does not encourage strong and healthy marriages.
The push to restore marriage "starts around the family dinner table," he emphasized.