Despite growing up Catholic, loving his faith, and enjoying constant encouragement throughout his seminary experience, Toby had nevertheless been harboring serious doubts about whether he could truly say “Yes” to priesthood.
But he says expectations from family, supporters and the seminary itself created a situation where he felt it impossible to step back from ordination.
Though he immediately felt deeply insecure in the priesthood, Toby, on the advice of an older priest, decided to take his best swing at parish ministry.
“By Christmas, I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown,” Toby recalled.
“I was trying to do something wholeheartedly and properly and conscientiously, and my heart wasn’t there. Especially, saying Mass became very painful. It was this experience of this chasm between what I was doing and where I was [mentally].”
Toby requested laicization just a few years after his ordination day. He told the Register he had always harbored a strong attraction to marriage; he’s happily married today.
To be sure, Toby spent significantly less time ministering as a priest than most ordained men. But the phenomenon of men leaving the priesthood in short order — for reasons that have nothing to do with misconduct or scandal — are more common than you might think.
Experts who work with U.S. priests told the Register they have increasingly seen, in recent years, the issues of burnout and loneliness drive men away from their vocation. And the data support this observation: According to a recent study by The Catholic Project, younger priests are reporting higher levels of burnout and loneliness compared with their more senior peers.
Priests need regular and intentional peer interaction and fraternity, support from the laity, and ongoing human and spiritual formation to persist in their vital service to the Church, experts in priestly formation told the Register.
“Indeed, formation never really ends. It should be a constant part of a priest’s life — but this is not always the case,” said Anthony Lilles, professor of moral theology and dogmatics at St. Patrick’s Seminary in Menlo Park, California.
Why Do Priests Leave?
It is anecdotally understood that a notable number of priests are requesting dismissal from ministry these days, but it’s hard to know how many with certainty. Lilles and others said they have a sense that an increasing number of young men are leaving the priesthood shortly after ordination, but to date this has not been substantiated by a formal study.
Generally speaking, Lilles said, a man leaving the priesthood within five years indicates an issue with his seminary formation — after five years, a lack of ongoing support is likely the biggest factor.
Father Peter — also not his real name — a young parochial vicar ordained roughly a decade ago who serves on the East Coast, told the Register that he knows “a notable number of guys” his age and younger who have left the priesthood, in his diocese and elsewhere.
Echoing Lilles, Father Peter said that most priests have a good sense of the realities of priesthood by five years — and whether they can continue will depend on their maturity, formation and spiritual life.
As a priest, “there’s a high demand on your energy and your heart. If a man hasn’t learned how to balance his own life, and isn’t taking care of the ‘parish of his soul,’ that becomes a problem,” Father Peter said.
For many of the priests Father Peter knows who have left, the demands of the priesthood do not match their expectations. He’s seen a “workaholic” clerical culture lead to the neglect of priests’ spiritual, physical and mental health, thereby leaving the door open for vices to creep in.
He recalled one peer who left the priesthood after just six years, citing the “un-Christlike” behavior of fellow priests. Other peers — once they came to understand how “messy and broken” people who work in the Church can be behind the scenes — conclude the priesthood is not for them, he said.
“I’ve known guys who don’t want to leave the priesthood, but they feel they have no choice and no support from other priests, from their bishop,” Father Peter said.
“Basically, they get to a place of: ‘If this is what priesthood is, then I don’t want any part of it,’” he said.
A Lonely Life
Despite his relatively short time in active ministry, Toby — who ministered in the U.K. — said he was able to observe firsthand how the often-lonely priestly lifestyle can be damaging and push men to leave.
“Basically, we’re forming a community [in seminary], and then [after ordination] effectively asked to live pretty much a life of isolation, of solitude. … I saw that as a factor for other men who basically discerned their way out of seminary before being ordained. I know that was a big factor for a good friend of mine,” Toby told the Register.
Toby’s observation reflects an issue that priests encounter in many U.S. dioceses. While often starting out with a great zeal, many younger priests today find themselves tasked with significant responsibilities soon after donning the collar. Increasingly, as more large U.S. dioceses close and merge parishes, coupled with ongoing priest shortages, young pastors may be asked to shepherd multiple parishes at once.
Matthew Rudolph, co-founder of Chrism, a Colorado ministry that aims to provide holistic ongoing support to help priests thrive, noted that Jesus in the Gospels sent his disciples out “two by two,” recognizing the need for companionship. Today, priests are often sent “one by one” — assigned to rectories by themselves, sometimes in locations geographically distant from their closest brother priest, Rudolph said.
Rudolph said he has personally known two friends who left the priesthood within just a couple of years of ordination. Both experienced deep disillusionment and loneliness almost immediately after entering active ministry. They discovered that, upon ordination, the support systems and fraternity built up during seminary can abruptly fall away.
The stresses, isolation and “bachelor lifestyle” that some priests fall into can lead to depression, hopelessness, substance abuse and even, tragically, suicides.
In the face of these dire realities, Chrism’s model bands priests together into “cohorts” — small groups of four to six who meet monthly for prayer, fraternity and accountability. Chrism also offers one-on-one coaching to apply principles to each priest’s unique context and works to connect priests with spiritual directors.
“I think we have to remember that priests are human, too,” Rudolph said.
Laying a Foundation in Seminary
Father Carter Griffin, rector of St. John Paul II Seminary in Washington, D.C., emphasized that seminaries play a foundational role in preparing men for long-term faithfulness to their priestly vocation. Significant improvements have already been made in recent decades, he noted.
There’s an emphasis on ensuring a holistic human formation, including the maintaining of health and chaste boundaries, dealing with anxieties, and handling the immense workload of parish life. There are also efforts to cultivate a culture of “commitment,” starting in seminary.
“We live at a time and in a society when commitments are not taken seriously … but every effort must be made to help our men make and keep their commitments,” Father Griffin said.
Naturally, spiritual formation remains of vital importance as well.
“The most effective answer to priests abandoning their ministry is a deeper relationship with the Lord. We still have to deal with things at a human level, of course, but the priesthood only makes sense through the lens of faith and a relationship with God. A good seminary will help a man nourish that relationship every day,” he said.
What Priestly Fraternity Can Look Like
“[Priests] don’t prioritize getting together as much as is good for them,” Father Peter commented, observing that sometimes a lack of priestly fraternity is less about logistics — and more about a lack of motivation.
Father Sean Conroy, parochial vicar of St. Thomas More parish in Centennial, Colorado, joined the Companions of Christ while in seminary, a group of diocesan priests committed to living together in community to the extent that their archbishop allows them to. The companions never miss a Saturday evening communal meal — the priests cook for each other, spend time in prayer, and enjoy each other’s company.
Amid the responsibilities and stresses of being a pastor, it can be easy to view the community time he spends with his brother priests as just “one more commitment,” Father Conroy admitted. But he appreciates that it helps him grow in holiness and promotes “human and spiritual flourishing.”
“We acknowledge it [community] as something we need to be holy priests, so that’s something we seek out,” Father Conroy said. “When I’m faithful to the support of the brothers, I always leave feeling way better. … At the core, priestly fraternity is necessary.”
Healthy Intimacy
Bob Schuchts, founder of the John Paul II Healing Center in Florida, said he has observed that the sexual-abuse crisis has created a pervasive “fear of intimacy between laypeople and clergy,” replacing healthy friendships between priests and the laity with caution and distance, he said.
In the face of this, Schuchts said Catholics should consider taking small steps to invite their priest into their family’s life, such as inviting him to share a meal.
“We really don’t love our priests actively. The best community is among the brother priests, with each other. But there’s also a need for priests and families to be engaged with each other,” Schuchts said.
Toby said he believes it is important for priests to befriend laypeople, especially married couples, as the vocations of marriage and the priesthood have a certain “complementarity” to them.
“I think one thing that laity can do is ... to invite him into their lives, to befriend him in a certain sense, but also in terms of giving him a place as someone who is there to spiritually accompany them and foster them and nurture them,” Toby said.
Rudolph, for his part, said he believes many parish priests feel genuinely loved by their flock, but in a somewhat anonymous way. He advised lay parishioners to “get to know the man behind the collar” — learn about him, pray and fast for him and encourage him in a specific, personal way. Priests often hear more criticism than encouragement, Rudolph added, so share positive feedback and express your gratitude, he advised.
Father Griffin agreed. He said: “We priests are so grateful for the love and support of the people that we serve. ... Getting involved in parish initiatives and other needs around the parish will not only nourish your own sense of belonging in the parish community but also be a great source of support for your priest.”