Since we're all sinners, it should have come as no surprise to see
Robert Mugabe at the beatification ceremony in the Vatican for Pope John
Paul II.
Yet it did.
How did he actually get there?
I know I should
know these things, but I don't even know if Zimbabwe has an airline.
Perhaps he flew in Ryanair's African offshoot, Lionair, on the Harare-Bulawayo
route.
This doesn't actually take off, but taxis to the end of the runaway
and passengers get out and walk the rest of the way.
But I suppose that if
Mugabe slips into the cockpit just before take-off and bears his big
crocodile smile and purrs: "Actually, Mr Pilot, we're flying to Rome
today," well then, Rome is what it would be -- yes, even if Michael
O'Leary were skipper.
Ah yes, I can hear him already. "Please let me help you with your bags,
sire. And would you care for an in-flight lobster or two -- courtesy,
naturally, of Ryanair? And may I say what a rare pleasure it is to have you
aboard, sire!"
The explanation from the Vatican was that since it has diplomatic relations
with Zimbabwe, the fair Robert was entitled to be at the beatification.
But
I would gather from the fact that the British embassy in Tripoli was
attacked by locals after NATO bombers killed Gaddafi's son and grandchild,
that the British still have diplomatic relations with the Libyans, even
though they're bombing the bejasus out of them.
This seems to be stretching
the traditional elasticity of diplomatic tolerance just a little far.
So why
was Gaddafi himself not killed in the raid last weekend?
Was it because he
was attending the royal wedding? All these questions; all these things I do
not know. Do forgive me.
Yet more questions follow.
Why was Mugabe not arrested when he arrived in
Rome? Not Rome (Naples) or Rome (Belfast), or any of the many far-flung
Romes that Ryanair flies to, but Rome-Rome -- and moreover, I bet, landing
on Rome's main drag, with the Coliseum acting as terminal.
We know the UN has a human-rights arm, UNHRO, because both those bastions of
freedom, Libya and Saudi Arabia, served on its committee. So why didn't
UNHRO arrange for an arrest warrant for Mugabe as he stepped off his plane?
Or am I being naive? And when will I ever stop asking questions?
Mugabe is not the worst, because at least no one has accused him of
cannibalism, unlike the Emperor Bokassa of Zaire, and Idi Amin of Uganda.
The latter was a "Muslim" though, in much the same way that Robert
Mugabe is a "Catholic".
But I have a fleeting memory that Bokassa
was a Catholic also. It does put a rather different light on the
consecration and the Eucharist: would Bokassa have asked for some sauce with
the communion, and perhaps even complimented the priest on his preparation
of the dish-of-the-day? And have you ever read a column with so many
question marks?
So, without disrespecting anyone's beliefs, I confess that virtually every
single part of the beatification of John Paul II confounds me. I simply
don't understand how a vial of the late Pope's blood could decently have
been kept for veneration, or how Benedict could have kissed it. (What would
we say of a Rwandan chieftain who did such a thing? Yes, I know, another ?.)
I don't understand how only Sister Marie Simon-Pierre Normand was cured of
Parkinson's disease by John Paul's divine intervention. (Pierre is French
for stone, by the way, so there's a possibly brilliant pun somewhere about
stone and blood and so on, but relax, I'm not going to bother.) So why did
he ignore all the other sufferers with the disease? Was it 1) because they
didn't pray to him? Or 2) because he didn't have the power? Or 3) because he
didn't like the cut of their jib?
But does 1) not suggest that we are dealing with more of a diva than a saint?
And is 2) not proof of how little clout these dead would-be saint chappies
actually have? And 3) suggests that the late Pope was prey to favouritism,
which not only violates all known HR and Equality at the Workplace
legislation, but is surely incompatible with sainthood.
Moreover, the late Pope made more saints than any other Pope in history, so
presumably he had a lot of favours to call in when he needed miracles. So it
should have been -- "All hands to the pumps for Saint John Paul!"
Yet clearly, with just one miracle to his credit, that didn't happen.
Maybe
the other saints, having had to wait around for centuries to be canonised,
resent this John Paul Come-Lately getting his halo L-plates quite so quickly.
Now believe me, I'm not mocking anyone's faith here.
After all, 1.5 million
Christians, plus Robert Mugabe, made it to Rome for the beatification, so
they clearly understand what's going on.
But I don't.
That's all.
Column
over.