When Toby — not his real name —
approached the altar during his ordination Mass roughly a decade ago, he
was understandably nervous — perhaps much more so than the average
ordinand.
Despite
growing up Catholic, loving his faith, and enjoying constant
encouragement throughout his seminary experience, Toby had nevertheless
been harboring serious doubts about whether he could truly say “Yes” to
priesthood.
But he says expectations from family, supporters and the
seminary itself created a situation where he felt it impossible to step
back from ordination.
Though
he immediately felt deeply insecure in the priesthood, Toby, on the
advice of an older priest, decided to take his best swing at parish
ministry.
“By Christmas, I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown,” Toby recalled.
“I was trying to do
something wholeheartedly and properly and conscientiously, and my heart
wasn’t there. Especially, saying Mass became very painful. It was this
experience of this chasm between what I was doing and where I was
[mentally].”
Toby
requested laicization just a few years after his ordination day. He
told the Register he had always harbored a strong attraction to
marriage; he’s happily married today.
To
be sure, Toby spent significantly less time ministering as a priest
than most ordained men. But the phenomenon of men leaving the priesthood
in short order — for reasons that have nothing to do with misconduct or
scandal — are more common than you might think.
Experts
who work with U.S. priests told the Register they have increasingly
seen, in recent years, the issues of burnout and loneliness drive men
away from their vocation. And the data support this observation:
According to a recent study by The Catholic Project, younger priests are reporting higher levels of burnout and loneliness compared with their more senior peers.
Priests need
regular and intentional peer interaction and fraternity, support from
the laity, and ongoing human and spiritual formation to persist in their
vital service to the Church, experts in priestly formation told the
Register.
“Indeed,
formation never really ends. It should be a constant part of a priest’s
life — but this is not always the case,” said Anthony Lilles, professor
of moral theology and dogmatics at St. Patrick’s Seminary in Menlo
Park, California.
Why Do Priests Leave?
It
is anecdotally understood that a notable number of priests are
requesting dismissal from ministry these days, but it’s hard to know how
many with certainty. Lilles and others said they have a sense that an
increasing number of young men are leaving the priesthood shortly after
ordination, but to date this has not been substantiated by a formal
study.
Generally
speaking, Lilles said, a man leaving the priesthood within five years
indicates an issue with his seminary formation — after five years, a
lack of ongoing support is likely the biggest factor.
Father Peter — also
not his real name — a young parochial vicar ordained roughly a decade
ago who serves on the East Coast, told the Register that he knows “a
notable number of guys” his age and younger who have left the
priesthood, in his diocese and elsewhere.
Echoing
Lilles, Father Peter said that most priests have a good sense of the
realities of priesthood by five years — and whether they can continue
will depend on their maturity, formation and spiritual life.
As
a priest, “there’s a high demand on your energy and your heart. If a
man hasn’t learned how to balance his own life, and isn’t taking care of
the ‘parish of his soul,’ that becomes a problem,” Father Peter said.
For
many of the priests Father Peter knows who have left, the demands of
the priesthood do not match their expectations. He’s seen a “workaholic”
clerical culture lead to the neglect of priests’ spiritual, physical
and mental health, thereby leaving the door open for vices to creep in.
He recalled one
peer who left the priesthood after just six years, citing the
“un-Christlike” behavior of fellow priests. Other peers — once they came
to understand how “messy and broken” people who work in the Church can
be behind the scenes — conclude the priesthood is not for them, he
said.
“I’ve known guys who don’t want
to leave the priesthood, but they feel they have no choice and no
support from other priests, from their bishop,” Father Peter said.
“Basically, they get to a place of: ‘If this is what priesthood is, then I don’t want any part of it,’” he said.
A Lonely Life
Despite
his relatively short time in active ministry, Toby — who ministered in
the U.K. — said he was able to observe firsthand how the often-lonely
priestly lifestyle can be damaging and push men to leave.
“Basically,
we’re forming a community [in seminary], and then [after ordination]
effectively asked to live pretty much a life of isolation, of solitude. …
I saw that as a factor for other men who basically discerned their way
out of seminary before being ordained. I know that was a big factor for a
good friend of mine,” Toby told the Register.
Toby’s observation
reflects an issue that priests encounter in many U.S. dioceses. While
often starting out with a great zeal, many younger priests today find
themselves tasked with significant responsibilities soon after donning
the collar. Increasingly, as more large U.S. dioceses close and merge
parishes, coupled with ongoing priest shortages, young pastors may be
asked to shepherd multiple parishes at once.
Matthew Rudolph, co-founder of Chrism,
a Colorado ministry that aims to provide holistic ongoing support to
help priests thrive, noted that Jesus in the Gospels sent his disciples
out “two by two,” recognizing the need for companionship. Today, priests
are often sent “one by one” — assigned to rectories by themselves,
sometimes in locations geographically distant from their closest brother
priest, Rudolph said.
Rudolph
said he has personally known two friends who left the priesthood within
just a couple of years of ordination. Both experienced deep
disillusionment and loneliness almost immediately after entering active
ministry. They discovered that, upon ordination, the support systems and
fraternity built up during seminary can abruptly fall away.
The
stresses, isolation and “bachelor lifestyle” that some priests fall
into can lead to depression, hopelessness, substance abuse and even,
tragically, suicides.
In the face of
these dire realities, Chrism’s model bands priests together into
“cohorts” — small groups of four to six who meet monthly for prayer,
fraternity and accountability. Chrism also offers one-on-one coaching to
apply principles to each priest’s unique context and works to connect
priests with spiritual directors.
“I think we have to remember that priests are human, too,” Rudolph said.
Laying a Foundation in Seminary
Father
Carter Griffin, rector of St. John Paul II Seminary in Washington,
D.C., emphasized that seminaries play a foundational role in preparing
men for long-term faithfulness to their priestly vocation. Significant
improvements have already been made in recent decades, he noted.
There’s
an emphasis on ensuring a holistic human formation, including the
maintaining of health and chaste boundaries, dealing with anxieties, and
handling the immense workload of parish life. There are also efforts to
cultivate a culture of “commitment,” starting in seminary.
“We live at a time
and in a society when commitments are not taken seriously … but every
effort must be made to help our men make and keep their commitments,”
Father Griffin said.
Naturally, spiritual formation remains of vital importance as well.
“The
most effective answer to priests abandoning their ministry is a deeper
relationship with the Lord. We still have to deal with things at a human
level, of course, but the priesthood only makes sense through the lens
of faith and a relationship with God. A good seminary will help a man
nourish that relationship every day,” he said.
What Priestly Fraternity Can Look Like
“[Priests]
don’t prioritize getting together as much as is good for them,” Father
Peter commented, observing that sometimes a lack of priestly fraternity
is less about logistics — and more about a lack of motivation.
Father Sean Conroy, parochial vicar of St. Thomas More parish in Centennial, Colorado, joined the Companions of Christ while in seminary, a group of diocesan priests committed to living together in community
to the extent that their archbishop allows them to. The companions
never miss a Saturday evening communal meal — the priests cook for each
other, spend time in prayer, and enjoy each other’s company.
Amid the
responsibilities and stresses of being a pastor, it can be easy to view
the community time he spends with his brother priests as just “one more
commitment,” Father Conroy admitted. But he appreciates that it helps
him grow in holiness and promotes “human and spiritual flourishing.”
“We
acknowledge it [community] as something we need to be holy priests, so
that’s something we seek out,” Father Conroy said. “When I’m faithful to
the support of the brothers, I always leave feeling way better. … At
the core, priestly fraternity is necessary.”
Healthy Intimacy
Bob
Schuchts, founder of the John Paul II Healing Center in Florida, said
he has observed that the sexual-abuse crisis has created a pervasive
“fear of intimacy between laypeople and clergy,” replacing healthy
friendships between priests and the laity with caution and distance, he
said.
In
the face of this, Schuchts said Catholics should consider taking small
steps to invite their priest into their family’s life, such as inviting
him to share a meal.
“We
really don’t love our priests actively. The best community is among the
brother priests, with each other. But there’s also a need for priests
and families to be engaged with each other,” Schuchts said.
Toby
said he believes it is important for priests to befriend laypeople,
especially married couples, as the vocations of marriage and the
priesthood have a certain “complementarity” to them.
“I
think one thing that laity can do is ... to invite him into their
lives, to befriend him in a certain sense, but also in terms of giving
him a place as someone who is there to spiritually accompany them and
foster them and nurture them,” Toby said.
Rudolph,
for his part, said he believes many parish priests feel genuinely loved
by their flock, but in a somewhat anonymous way. He advised lay
parishioners to “get to know the man behind the collar” — learn about
him, pray and fast for him and encourage him in a specific, personal
way. Priests often hear more criticism than encouragement, Rudolph
added, so share positive feedback and express your gratitude, he
advised.
Father
Griffin agreed. He said: “We priests are so grateful for the love and
support of the people that we serve. ... Getting involved in parish
initiatives and other needs around the parish will not only nourish your
own sense of belonging in the parish community but also be a great
source of support for your priest.”