Saturday, March 20, 2010

The Alternate Papal Letter

1. Dear Brothers and Sisters of the Church in Ireland, it is with great concern that I write to you as Pastor of the universal Church and The Beeg Cheese of Pretend.

Like yourselves, I have been deeply irritated by the information which has come to light regarding the abuse of children by members of the Church in Ireland, particularly by priests and religious.

I can’t believe this shit is out in the open, and believe me the squealers won’t go unpunished.

As you know, I recently invited the Irish bishops to a meeting here in Rome to try and ascertain just how much you guys know and/or can prove.

We had a full and frank discussion and it was felt that if you lot pulled up your socks faithwise you should be able to forgive anything we can’t keep a lid on.

As for what still remains hidden, well what you don’t know won’t hurt you. It will only hurt the people it happened to and as you are aware they are sworn to silence on pain of excommunication. Nice one, Cardinal B :-)

2. For my part, I fully admit that Irish priests screwed up (not the type of thing that would ever happen in Germany, I can assure you!), I have decided to write this Pastoral Letter to warn you that I’m standing right behind you and to propose a path of healing, renewal and reparation.

There’s no need to call the cops, and in any case a team of crack monsignors has cut the lines, so sit the feck down and listen.

As many in your country have pointed out, the problem of child abuse is peculiar neither to Ireland nor to the Church.

Nevertheless, we must take credit for some particular success in the field.

However if we all pray a lot with our eyes tightly shut, the deacons will get on with the shredding and we’ll be grand. Trust me.

In order to recover from this grievous wound, the Church in Ireland must admit that it made mistakes and be sorry for them. Really sorry. Oops.

3. Historically, the Catholics of Ireland have been great at spreading Catholicism, virally, if you will, worldwide.

Most families will have at least one member of the clergy or a nun among them.

Not saying you’re being watched, just saying, is all.

4. In recent decades, however, the Church in your country has had to confront new and serious challenges to the faith arising from the rapid transformation and secularization of Irish society, which as we all know is responsible for the perpetration of horrors on children by our little celibate cult. What are you gonna do?

5. On several occasions since my election to the See of Peter, I have met with victims of sexual abuse, as indeed I am ready to do in the future.

I have sat with them, I have listened to their stories, I have acknowledged their suffering, and I have prayed with them and for them.

So that’s my ass covered.

6. To the victims of abuse and their families

You have suffered grievously and I am truly sorry. I can only hope that by drawing closer to the life of the Church you will find healing and forgiveness. Wouldn’t it just be deliciously ironic if that were the case? Ha ha.

7. To priests and religious who have abused children

You have done a bad thing and you must confess and be sorry before the Almighty.

Sit down at the back.

I already told you there’s no need for the cops.

We have also jammed the mobile signals and disabled WiFi over a 500 kilometre radius.

8. To parents

You have been deeply shocked to learn of the terrible things that took place in what ought to be the safest and most secure environment of all. In today’s world it is not easy to build a home and to bring up children, every celibate priest knows that. You should try running a housekeeper on top of it. Sheesh!!!!!! Anyhoo, prayin’ for ya ;-)

9. To the children and young people of Ireland

I wish to offer you a particular word of … Oh, something must have spooked them. Do not worry, they won’t get far, there is a cordon of Swiss Guard dog-handlers.

10. To the priests and religious of Ireland

Hang tough, keep schtum and apologise when found out.

11. To my brother bishops

Anyone thinking of quitting will have me to deal with. That shit spreads up and guess whose ass is sitting on the top of the rotten tree? That’s right. You’re going nowhere.

12. To all the faithful of Ireland

By treading the path marked out by the Gospel, by observing the commandments and by conforming your lives ever more closely to the figure of Jesus Christ, you will surely experience the profound renewal … yada yadda badda bing badda boo.

I invite you all to persevere along this path. I can’t say I have much experience of it myself, but who knows, it’s a crazy plan but it might work. Good luck with it, now.

13. Dear brothers and sisters in Christ, I hope you find comfort in my words. You have all screwed up but I forgive you and let’s hear no more about it. Least said soonest mended, eh? ;-)

14. I now wish to propose to you some concrete initiatives to address the situation:

  1. For 2011 you must all pray for the Church every Friday. Especially if you were abused.
  2. That should do the trick

I wish to conclude this Letter with a special Prayer for the Church in Ireland:

Prayer for the Church in Ireland

God of our fathers,
Make us good and sorry

PS Oh yes you might look in on the victimes if you think about it, cheers God LOL :-*

Talk To Ya,

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