Christian teaching dictates that it is a sin for man and woman to live together as a couple without being wedded in church.But some Catholic and Protestant clergy in Kampala now admit that marriages that start with cohabiting tend to be more stable.
Rev. David Sekiziyivu, the Namirembe Cathedral Assistant Vicar, and Rubaga Parish Priest, Fr. Achilles Mayanja, revealed in separate interviews that of the couples they wed, those living together for the first time are more likely to come back seeking counseling or even divorce.
It is a disconcerting admission by the clergy and both are quick to add that their churches do not permit cohabiting.
Last year, 129 couples were married at Christ the King Church in Kampala; 210 at Rubaga Cathedral, and 250 at All Saints Church Nakasero.
The figures for Namirembe Cathedral were not readily available but Sekiziyivu says there has been a steady increase in the past two years.
However, the rising number of weddings has not necessarily led to happy, stable marriages. Most people getting married are between 20 and 35 year of age, but so are most of those who want to break up. Even before they have cleared costs of their expensive weddings, couples are knocking at the priests’ doors with cocktails of complaints against their spouses.
According to Sekiziyivu, there could be advantages in cohabiting because he had seen fewer couples who have been in that kind relationship complain about their spouses compared to those living together for the first time after the wedding ceremony. Sekiziyivu says that people who get married before they have known each other well tend to have problems thereafter. Apparently they conceal their true character, behaving like angels as long as they are targeting marriage. Once married, they become themselves and marital woes begin, forcing one spouse to seek the intervention of the church.
Despite this observation, the church does not encourage cohabitation. Rev. Canon Tiromwe, the priest in charge of All Saints Cathedral Nakasero, says there are more people cohabiting than those wedded in churches, but that does not make it right. The message from the church to cohabiting couples is to sanctify their relationships in church.
“The Church does not condone cohabiting [but] what we instead advise young people is to court for a longer period so that they get to know each other to avoid the problems that would come as a result of not having taken their time before marriage,” Sekiziyivu says.
Priests from the Catholic Church were much less willing to see any advantages in cohabiting. They however admitted that most couples these days have been cohabiting before they wed. He adds that in spite of this, many still come back with complaints though not as many as those who are staying together for the first time.
And Fr. Gerald Kalumba of Christ the King Parish in Kampala says that cohabiting should not be used as an excuse to delay a wedding under the guise of understanding each other.
Experience
Solomon, a banker, has been married for three years after cohabiting for eight years and he believes couples should first pass the compatibility test.
“The eight years I spent with my wife helped us a lot and I think it’s those years that formed the foundation of the happy family we are and are proud of now”.
This view is shared by Steven Mugalu and his wife, who operate a shop in Kikuubo. Having lived together since they left school 22 years ago, they only got married in 2007. By that time, Mrs Mugalu says, they knew each other inside out. Advising prospective couples, she says: “Its not just about making the vows; it’s a life commitment, so don’t think because your friend has done it you should do like wise before first getting to know the person you are making the life commitment to.”
Time will tell if the Mugalus can spend another 22 years together. But one man who wishes he had used their advice is Robert [not real name]. He dated his wife for one year and they got married two years ago. “If I had known what I know now, I am sure I wouldn’t have married her,” Robert says. “She hid her true colours for the whole year and both of us being Christian, and with the backing of our parents, agreed not to cohabit. Now I blame myself because I cannot change anything. I have to live this earthly hell.”
NO DIVORCE
For the likes of Robert, there is no simple remedy, according to Fr. Andrew Kato, the Judicial Vicar of the Ecclesiastical Court of the Catholic Church at Rubaga. Although the court entertains complaints from couples, divorce is rarely granted.
Kato says divorce may be granted if the court satisfies itself that there was simulation or fraud in order to get married to a person or if the marriage was forced for instance by parents in the event of an early pregnancy.
Women aged between 20 and 25 and men between 25 and 35 constitute the majority of people still seeking separation. Many cite “incompatibility in character”, which, Kato says, is no ground for the church to grant a separation. Other reasons include witchcraft, of which men mostly complain. The divorce-seeking rate is also higher among the young and educated people, where the spouse that earns more money wants separation.
Among the less educated – young or old – it’s mostly women who complain – that their husbands have abandoned them for younger girlfriends.
Reasons for seeking divorce are not much different in the Anglican Church and neither is the response. According to Tiromwe, the major causes are; money, unfaithfulness, and interference by relatives in the couple’s family affairs, with women making more complaints about this.
“As a Church we preach reconciliation and not separation. If we fail to reconcile them, then we advise them to seek legal redress.”
But the Anglican – just like the Catholic – Church cannot wed a legally divorced person unless the spouse has died. In the three years Tiromwe has been in charge, All Saints Church has not wed any divorcees – only given them blessings.
At Rubaga Parish, Fr. Mayanja says that in the same period, they have nullified only one marriage where it was proved medically that the man was impotent.
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