In our so-called 'post-modern culture' it seems that we have lost the meaning of the word 'gift'.We have become so accustomed to the mentality of rights, that we are no longer surprised and marvelled with what is given to us 'freely'.
We expect so much rightfully that we are taking everything for granted.
Nevertheless, by deeply reflecting on the reality of marriage, modern theology is considering marriage as a gift of oneself to the other.
A clear sign of all this is already given to us in the first pages of the book of Genesis where Eve is given by God to her husband Adam and in turn, the latter gives himself to the wife.
In fact the author of Genesis says that man leaves his parents to be given to his wife.
Hence, we can rightly say that marriage, as from the beginning, already includes in it this special characteristic of being a gift to one other.
Theology of marriage
In the fifth century AD St Augustine spoke of the goods of marriage of which he noticed three (tria bona) - the bonum prolis (procreation); the bonum fides (fidelity); and the bonum sacramentum (sacrament).
In the 13th century St Thomas Aquinas spoke of the ends of marriage. He considered two ends - the primary end, which is the procreation and the education of children; and the secondary end, the mutual support of the couple as a remedy against concupiscence.
This remained more or less the predominant theology of marriage till the Second Vatican Council (1962-1965).
In fact this position is also codified in the first code of Canon Law issued in 1917.
However, during the mid-20th century this position began to be challenged.
There were authors who started considering and taking seriously the issues of the relationship of the couple, that of love and quality time together as well as the issue of forgiveness.
The breakthrough
Vatican II, with its deep foresight, laid solid foundations for further development of the gift theme.
The foundations laid were those of the personalist approach, where the person is seen as a value in himself with his real dignity and as an image of God.
The Council did not use the terminology of the three goods or of the primary and secondary ends.
It defined marriage as a community of life and love.
Likewise, the idea of contract is not that much emphasised. It gave way to the more biblical term of pact, which is clearly depicted in the Old Testament, where we find Yahweh betrothed with His people Israel, and in the New Testament with Jesus, the spouse of the new people, the Church.
The issue of conjugal love is also given its due importance, so much so that it is seen as a way of sanctifying each other.
Hence, in brief, we can say that with the personalist approach the person is truly at the centre of Christian anthropology. Persons are not mere things to be used and abused.
They are human beings to be treated with care, respect and dignity.
Wide use of concept of gift
After the Second Vatican Council one immediately begins to notice the wide use of this concept of gift from the personalist perspective.
For instance, Pope Paul VI, in his 1968 encyclical, Humanae Vitae, spoke of the meaning of the conjugal act, whereby there is the reciprocal gift of the two spouses which results in the unitive and the pro-creative act.
This notion of gift developed further with Pope John Paul II, especially during the Wednesday catechesis which he dedicated to human love and the Post-Synodal Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris consortio.
The gift theme was very dear to John Paul II. He continued to deve-lop it precisely because he himself was a member of Vatican II, and was directly involved in the writing of the Constitution on the Church in the modern world, known as Gaudium et spes (GS).
In the Constitution, one finds that "Man is the only creature on earth that God has wanted for its own sake" (GS 24).
This means that man is a gift to himself by God. The profound meaning of this phrase is the greatest sign of man's liberty. Man has the ability of self-deciding, of self-reflecting as well as of self-giving to others.
Man is called to live this "giveness" in a responsible way, according to God's plan.
The Conciliar document goes on to say that "Man can fully discover his true self only in a sincere giving of himself" (GS 24). Man discovers himself, only in being a gift to others. Man cannot find himself in himself but finds himself only through the gift of himself. This self-offering can happen in marriage and in the consecrated life.
Limiting myself to marriage, man and woman are called to love each other by giving themselves to one another. "By their mutual self-giving, spouses will love each other with enduring fidelity..." (GS 48).
The greatest gift one can offer in marriage is not one's money or house but oneself.
It is only this that leads to self-fulfilment.
This is not a once and for all event.
It is a daily event.
The daily victory against sin and against egoism is another step towards oneness in mind, body, soul and spirit.
Therefore, when giving ourselves we should not forget that we are expected to give ourselves and to welcome the other wholeheartedly.
One should always bear in mind that the other is not a possession but a precious donum.
This theology of gift, without doubt, needs self-discipline and self-mastery to overcome shortcomings and inconsistencies.
Needless to say, this is a gift, and like every other gift, it is not without pain. This is an ongoing process which leads from happiness to more happiness.
It is a process that, with the support of God and prayers, can lead one to be a total gift to others.
Marriage rite
This explains why the Italian Bishops' Conference has made it a point that this theology of gift be evident in the marriage rite recently approved in Italy.
The Italian Bishops thus emphasised the idea of "I receive you...", "I welcome you" (io accolgo te, io ricevo te) by the grace of God, rather than "I take you..." (io prendo te).
Through this notion of gift one can understand the whole meaning of marriage.
Here I would like to invite the Maltese Bishops' Conference to work towards a revision of our marriage rite.
The notion of gift is not only a philosophic notion but also an important theological concept.
In fact, this aspect is also evident in the life of the Holy Trinity itself. There is this reciprocal gift of one person to the other. Consequently, the human family is built on this reciprocal gift.
The family is an icon of the Trinity, a sacrament of the Trinity.
Therefore, one can understand the meaning of indissolubility from the point of view of gift. A gift is given once and for all, so you cannot give yourself and retain yourself at the same time.
Likewise fidelity; once you are committed to a person you are totally and fully committed to that person following the example of Christ with his Church.
The same happens with regard to children.
Children are the fruit of the reciprocal gift of the couple. Though the desire for children is legitimate and understandable, children are a gift to the couple and not a right.
"Children are the supreme gift of marriage and greatly contribute to the good of the parents themselves" (GS 50).
Marriage is one of the loci where one can really give oneself.
Nevertheless, we all need to learn and relearn how to give ourselves and how to welcome the other as a gift.
In fully and sincerely giving oneself, one is finding oneself.
In finding oneself, one is finding the core of himself who is Christ, for, "Christ is closer to me than I to myself" says St Augustine, for it is only Christ who reveals man to himself (GS 22).
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