In a stunning and unexpected reversal of long-standing doctrine, Pope
Benedict XVI proclaimed the Roman Catholic Church's unequivocal support
for gay marriage Tuesday, just hours after meeting Stonington, CT
couple Tony Ruggiero and Craig Housinger.
The papal decree—which authorizes priests to administer the sacrament
of holy matrimony to same-sex partners and explicitly states that
"homosexual relations between two consenting adults is not, and never
has been, a sin"—was reportedly a direct result of the pope sharing an
afternoon of engaging conversation and hearty laughter with the gay
couple.
"Not only are Tony and Craig complete sweethearts, but anyone who
spends more than two minutes with them can see they're clearly perfect
for each other," said Benedict, who in the past has described homosexual
behavior as a grave disease that threatens all of humanity.
"They're
fun, gracious, and simply wonderful company. And you can tell they have
something special just by the way they look at each other."
"They're soulmates, really," added the pope, smiling. "Allowing them
to formalize their union in the Church is the least we could do for
them."
Vatican officials said the vacationing couple and the Supreme Pontiff
met during a routine papal audience at St. Peter's Basilica, and
"really hit it off" after discovering shared interests in photography,
the piano, and Spanish cuisine.
Pope Benedict XVI claims that any law respecting the wishes of Tony and Craig is "a law I support wholeheartedly."
Though sources said the 84-year-old Benedict, a lifelong scholar of
antigay ecclesiastical law, initially appeared skeptical upon meeting
the pair, he was reportedly put at ease after Housinger spoke a few
humorous lines to the pope in his native German and Ruggiero effusively
complimented his gold cuff links, touching off a friendly conversation
that effectively upended 2,000 years of Roman Catholic teachings.
"They were witty and cultured, but also very friendly—I really don't
meet too many people like that," the pope said of the couple, who
excitedly suggested to him several off-the-beaten-path sights and "to
die for" restaurants after he mentioned an upcoming trip to Buenos
Aires.
"Craig has a great passion for Italian painting, and I learned a
lot from him about the Church's collection of Caravaggios. He's a real
Renaissance man."
"I know what scripture says about homosexuals, but when I stop to
think about it, I can't get past the fact that the Bible is just a book,
and Tony and Craig are real people," Benedict added.
"Love is love.
Man-woman, man-man, woman-woman—who cares? The Catholic Church
recognizes it's not the Stone Age anymore."
Invited on a personal tour of the Vatican, Housinger and Ruggiero
were said to have charmed the College of Cardinals with amusing
anecdotes from their seven-year relationship, displaying a playful yet
tender affection for each other that deeply moved the clergy.
High-ranking officials within the Holy See said they were pleased to
learn both partners were practicing Catholics who attend mass regularly,
and were surprised to discover Housinger was employed as a general
contractor, a profession none of them considered gay at all.
According to reports, the highlight of the afternoon came when the
couple shared photographs of their adopted 14-month-old Cambodian
daughter, Lorraine, whom the swooning clergy universally described as
"angelic."
"Even if you just meet Tony and Craig for a few minutes, it's easy to
see how supportive and patient they are," said the Most Rev. Francesco
Coccopalmerio, the Vatican's top expert on canon law, who noted the two
partners have a stronger bond than some of the married couples he knows.
"You can tell they've created a perfect household for a child to grow
up in. I just wish everybody could be raised by parents as devoted and
caring as them."
Following a warm farewell in which Ruggiero hugged Benedict—an
incident the Holy Father described as "not even weird or
anything"—Vatican leaders are said to have unanimously agreed that it
was "completely hypocritical" for anyone, especially those who have
taken a vow of celibacy, to tell people whom they can or cannot share
their lives with.
"If Tony and Craig want to exchange vows before God and their friends
and family, where's the harm in that?" Benedict said.
"It's not as if
they're offending the sanctity of life, like those wicked birth control
users who will toil for all eternity in hellfire."