An unlikely solution to the stand0ff over women bishops emerged
yesterday following the unexpected intervention of Professor Brian Cox.
The particle physicist, despite being an ardent atheist, agreed to
come to the Church of England’s aid for the sake of science. Following
his work at CERN, Cox has now developed a Large Hadron Cloister at a secret Cathedral location in the UK (pictured).
Whereas CERN’s celebrated Large Hadron Collider was devised to explore miniscule particles of energy such as the Higgs Boson and Shatner’s Bassoon,
Cox’s new apparatus is designed to solve the General Synod’s knotty
problem of female episcopal oversight by creating Schrödinger’s Bishop.
“It’s amazing nobody has thought of this before,” explained Professor
Cox, “but by devising an experiment in which a female priest is placed
with a mitre, an Archbishop and a crozier in a sealed box then
bombarding her with subatomic particles, using the Copenhagen
interpretation of quantum mechanics, we could create a female priest who
is, simultaneously, a bishop and not a bishop. Just as Schrödinger’s cat was both dead and alive until the box was opened, the priest is both a bishop and not a bishop until the box is opened.”
However, opponents of women bishops and human rights organisations
have rejected Cox’s plan.
The former claimed that even a Schrödinger’s
bishop would be unacceptable to them as the Archbishop concerned would
be tainted by his possible consecration of a woman.
The latter were more
concerned by the lack of airholes in the box.