Tuesday, March 31, 2009

(Ir) Reverent Fun

A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month'.

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon... Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.

However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts. One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase either.'


Anonymous said...

A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday rather than coming to church, so he told his wife, "This coming Sunday, I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday."

"What?" she exclaimed. "That's a silly thing to preach about."

"I don't think so," he said. "It's a problem we need to address."

The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asked her preacher husband somewhat warily about the day's sermon topic.

As I told you," he said, "I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays."

"That's idiotic!" the wife retorted. "First of all, it's a dumb topic for a sermon, and second, the people who need to hear it most won't be in church. Why don't you preach about sex or something most people are interested in?"

"No. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays, and that's what I'm preaching about," he said firmly.

His wife said, "Well, I'm not going to sit through a boring sermon like that. I'm staying in the car. You can tell the congregation I'm sick or something." And she stayed in the car.

As the preacher walked from the car to his study at the church, he got to thinking that perhaps his wife had a valid point, so he changed his mind and gave a brilliant extemporaneous sermon on the proper role of sex in modern society.

When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by the preacher's car and remarked to the pastor's wife, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well this morning. "Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he's ever given since coming to this parish."

"Hmmmpf. I don't know why he thinks he's such an expert on the subject," his wife snapped. "He's only tried it twice, and he fell off both times."

Anonymous said...

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye ... It reads:


He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:


Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:


His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:


He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.'

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:


Anonymous said...

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.

'She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have To be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

Anonymous said...

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."

"Oh my," gasped the other nuns.

"What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh shit."

Anonymous said...

Hope you enjoyed the above - better stop before I am EXCOMMUNICATED!!!!

Anonymous said...

Q: What's the definition of innocence?

A: A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

Anonymous said...

Protestants vs Catholics

A Protestant died and was sent to hell. A few seconds after arriving, the Devil appeared in a cloud of smoke and said, "Hey Bill, Welcome to Hell! Here's the keys to your Porsche. Let's go visit your beachhouse!"

Before the befuddled man could answer, the Devil whisked him into the Porsche and off they went.

Arriving at the beachhouse, the man could only stare in awe at the magnificent mansion before him. The Devil handed the keys to the mansion and the sportscar to the man whose mouth was hanging open in amazement and said, " Well, Bill, I'll check up on you in two weeks. Enjoy!" And as suddenly as he had appeared, the devil disappeared.

His incredulity fading somewhat, Bill went into the mansion and found everything to be first class with running servants, an indoor pool ... the whole nine yards.

For two weeks, he lived like a king. After two weeks had elapsed, the Devil suddenly appeared and asked the man, "Well, Bill, how is Hell treating you? Great place, isn't it! By the way, I have another client to see so I can't stay. Any problems? We aim to please down here in Hell."

Bill replied that he certainly was having a grand time and that he'd not been prepared for such royal treatment. In fact, he had been expecting Dante's Inferno or something similar.

The Devil laughingly replied "No, Bill. Those are just old wives tales. This is the way Hell really is! Great place, isn't it?"
Bill then said that everything was fine except that at night, he'd been hearing these terrible blood-curdling screams emanating from the nearby island out in the ocean. This was so disturbing that he'd had to take an occasional sleeping pill. He then leaned over and whispered to the Devil, "Tell me really. Is that what's in store for me? After all, this IS Hell."

The Devil could not stop laughing at this and with tears streaming down his eyes, he said "No, you've got it all wrong.

Those people on the island are the Catholics.

They DEMAND it!"

Anonymous said...

Two Nuns & A Stalker

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical(SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM.: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to have his way with us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived.

Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!

(And you thought it would be dirty! Say two Hail Mary's...)